What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 01:51
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is soul school!.
But it wasn’t much.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My family never makes their pension either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot live in the past .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was very sick at this time too.
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
I was scared of men, in general
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I don,t even have a pension.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
What do you think of Andrew Tate?
I said to her
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Would this be the day?
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She was in good health!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
All the time i was locked up.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I never cut or harmed myself..
When she asked me how she looked .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So whats the point in blame.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
So, i spoilt her more .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She loved him until the end.
She found it foreign!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was 9 years of age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Put me off passion for life!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Who then, do I blame.?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She married twice! .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!